mother, inc?????
I was talking to a new friend last weekend about life and love and lol, weirdly enough, about having kids. Not exactly surprising since he’s going to be a father soon. I don’t keep my apprehension about having children a secret - most people know that I think the cost of having a baby, both literally and metaphorically, is too great to bear.
For some strange reason, we ended up talking about the project I embarked on with Siew Ling last year - the overly massive project that involved hundreds of individuals, a loss of dignity, a heavy dose of shamelessness and ambition - that ended up as a gift for Kirsten my niece. The only way I can accurately describe it is love condensed into pages and compiled into a book.
Conversation strayed and we got back to talking about kids.
I said “I don’t think I’d ever have enough to offer my child - I’d want to give her the best of everything and if I can’t do that, I won’t have one. What about money? What about my career? And how much I’d have to give up, and the fear of not raising a kid well, or…. you know?! All those things that couples don’t necessarily think of before making a kid.”
He sat, listened, and when I was done with my diatribe, looked at me thoughtfully before saying,
“You know Sarah, that’s not all you can give a kid. It’s not entirely about the material things, you know? I think you’d be a great mom. I mean, if you can do something like that for your niece - and she isn’t your own - what more your own child? How many nieces can truly say “My aunt loved me before she even met me”? Don’t sweat it. I think you’ll change your mind someday.”
I’ve met many people, talked about children wayyy too many times for someone my age, but I think that was the first time that my conviction was swayed about the huge issue about kids. After all, when I think about it, it was pretty awesome to have a dad who loved me so completely and utterly before I was born. And when I look at my sister, while her current life strikes fear in my heart, it’s not hard to see that she’s having a blast.
So yeap, the verdict is still out on this one.
