I think part of the reason I’m in love with him is because the time between us is so… finite. It’s still because of him, of course. Who he is, what he is like, how he really gets me, etc. And yes, I know that all relationships are finite blahblahblah, but it’s somehow more real when there’s a fixed date to when he’s leaving. There’s a fixed amount of how much time we have. I think that makes everything slightly more magical. Or it could be just the same, only I learn to cherish the moments more.
People have asked me what I wanted, and if I were to be completely honest, I would want to try and even if we were destined to fail, I still want to try. To do this crazy bat shit of maintaining something so wonks. But I don’t want to put us both through that kind of pain. I never knew till this LDR, but the longing hurts. Sure, the gratification may be so so sweet, but the months leading up to it.. not so fun. In a weird way, it’s like learning to deal with loss all over again.
I thought things would change in 2010, what with school in Melbourne starting in a mere six weeks and all. He’s moving to Brazil in a week, and that will be that.
Tomorrow, I’ll wake up and continue to learn how to live without him.
